It’s funny. After my last little blog hiatus I told myself I’d be so much better about blogging and that I wouldn’t let months go by without posting something…
& here I find myself apologizing yet again for the quietness on this blog.
I hope by now ya’ll know that I’m fully honest on this blog and as much as I share the fun & beauty, I also share the struggles.
The Lord has been up to some crazy things the last couple of months. Had I known all that was coming I probably would have run and hid in a hole for the rest of forever. Okay, maybe that’s a little dramatic (or maybe a lot).
This past season was H.A.R.D. I found myself crying far more often than I’d like to ever admit, becoming anxious about things that there was no need to even worry about, and everything just felt off. I do have to say that although the last few months have been challenging, I’ve been ridiculously blessed to walk through it all with Matt. There was a lot going on individually for both of us and being able to watch him rely on the Lord encouraged my heart so deeply and I really think this last season strengthened our marriage more than I could have imagined.
So yes, it was hard. But it was so very good. We just got back to Haiti from a month in the states and within the first week of being in the states I found myself talking about this past season with a joy in my heart and with clear eyes seeing how fruitful it was. It was a season of growth. A season of stretching. A season of pain. A season of new.
All things new.
For those of you who don’t know, I have transitioned from teaching into a new role with Mission of Hope. Holy emotions. My heart misses my boys and it’s so weird no longer being a teacher. I’ve also been so very excited to work in Mobilization with our weekly team members that come down & work in Church Advancement alongside my husband & our 37 Village Champions who are so much more like family to us than I ever would have imagined. On top of being sad and excited at the same time, I have been fighting anxiety and fear on a daily, almost hourly basis. Can I do this? Am I enough? I’m not as good as ______. I can’t do it. What if I fail? Like I said… holy emotions.
While we were in the states & flying to Texas, I was reading and stumbled across these two quotes and without even a second to really think about what they said I was fighting back the tears and wondering how it was possible to feel like you wrote a book you’ve never even read before. These hit home more perfectly than I could ever explain:
“This season has been a weird one, and I’ve been and felt weird because of it. I’ve come face-to-face with my faults and weaknesses and mess-ups. The spotlight has shone brightly on everything i’m not, and I’ve struggled to turn it back to God and who he has made me and what he’s given me to do. As a result, I’ve shrunk back and questioned just about everything about myself.”
“It’s all been fear. Fear of failure. Fear of not having anything of value to give. Fear of being different or disliked. Fear of writing what I don’t really know or live. Fear of missing it. Fear of being disconnected or lonely. You name it, I’ve probably feared it.”
From Good to Grace, by Christine Hoover
I really don’t think I could have written it any better myself. This season has been weird. I’ve questioned everything I’ve ever thought about myself. I’ve been so very fearful.
If I’m honest, I am definitely still fearful. I’ve had two full days back on the ground in Haiti officially in my new role, and I’m terrified. I find myself second guessing everything I do. If I forget something or make a mistake or am not way ahead of the game, I’m already coming down hard on myself. The perfectionist, people pleaser in me is weighing heavy and it’s a battle to remember the one simple truth that is GRACE. It’s a brand new job for me and in some ways I have no clue what I’m doing, yet I expect myself to be perfect at everything from the beginning & it’s exhausting.
When I find myself falling into a pit of fear or anxiety, the Lord always so graciously reminds me of his grace & points me back to the truth that He will equip me for the task he has called me to. Do I trust that? Yes. Do I really trust that so much that I can walk in that truth daily? I’m working on it.
I’m truly so excited for this next season and all that’s to come. Summer is our busiest season for sure & I’m jumping in tackling working with the crazy awesome amount of team members that we have coming down, as well as helping my husband in Church Advancement and coordinating projects for said teams, AND helping run VBS again. (insert wide eyed emoji here). And as terrified as I get when thinking of all of that, I also find peace and joy knowing that I can’t do it all on my own. I can’t. And that’s okay. I can only do it because of the Lord & his goodness & grace.
Just today I was encouraged by the truth that this life is not about me accomplishing things and doing a good job, but that the Lord has called me (and you) to things that we can’t do so that His name may become great.
“To this end we always pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of his calling and may fulfill every resolve for good and every work of faith by his power, so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.” 2 Thessalonians 1:11-12
So in this new season of literally “all things new”, I’m praying for truth to reign in my heart. I’m praying for the Lord to daily equip me for the task ahead. I’m praying for peace & grace & wisdom & joy.
& ultimately, I’m praying that the Lord may be glorified in all of it.
He surely is making all things new.